lies and truth.

i had an epiphany last week.

it happened while talking to a co-worker after school.

we were discussing our shakespeare unit and what we are trying.

what's working and what's not working. 

now the epiphany had nothing to do with lesson plans, or shakespeare, or tests or quizzes, or keeping kids accountable. 

but it did have everything to do with the lies we believe about ourselves. 

lies we believe as educators.

lies that permeate our thoughts and tell us that we are failing constantly and everyone else has it all together and we should probably just quit before we ruin these young minds for the rest of eternity.

these lies are severe and dramatic but very, very real.

and we are all silently believing them and thinking we are somehow alone.

but as i talked with my co-worker, i felt this sense of relief.

this "you too?" 

this exhale.

and as soon as we named it and talked about it, i was reminded that this lie is a LIE.

when i really think about it, i know that we are all working so hard and doing our very best every single day, successes and failures included.

i am not a perfect teacher, but i am not the scum of the earth either.

and i think i've spent too much mental energy feeling like the scum.

now the moment we brought this lie into the open and talked about it, it had a name and a face.

it started to lose its power.

and i guess that made me think about all the lies we believe every day.

we live them in silence.

and if we are not careful, they become our truth.

they start to call the shots, and we blindly follow their lead.

we live with these distorted ideas of our relationships, and self worth, and identity.

and we just have to STOP it already.

we have to start talking and admitting and speaking truth to each other.
we have to be open and honest and brave.
we have to admit our struggles and how we feel because if we don't speak it out, it can destroy us.

and really, what good does it do the world if we live with these lies in our souls?
what good does it do to think you're scum?

so i say all that to say, you're not the best, but you're not the worst either.
and i promise, when you admit the craziness in your own head, you'll probably leave with a sense of relief, a sense of "you too?", a sense that you are not alone, and a sense of peace that the lie doesn't feel so much like the truth anymore.

you'll feel just a little more free.

 

to be a teacher.

i walked through the doors right as the service was starting. 

i quickly slid into the pew and tried my best not to count the number of people there.

i immediately spotted my fellow teachers.

there to offer support and a hug and a card with thoughts and prayers tucked inside.

nothing in me wanted to be there.

in that church.

in black.

watching the sunshine cascade across the stained glass.

because...

it wasn't fair.

it wasn't right.

it didn't make sense.

i sat in the dean's office and heard the story.

the story of a mom in the hospital and not expected to recover.

a dad who had died only two years prior.

two boys left without parents.

one of them, my student.

my heart sunk so deep into my chest.

then he told me in my classroom doorway about his mom.

he told me that she had died.

and i told him all i knew to say.

that we loved him and we were there for him and i would buy him anything he could ever want in his entire life (my feeble attempt to contribute).

he said thank you with tears in his eyes.

and then i started crying and the conversation quickly ended.

and so there i found myself.

at my student's mother's memorial service.

her picture next to a bouquet of roses at the front of the church.

he was wearing a batman t-shirt because it was black.

i had to wonder if it was all he had.

at the end of the service, he gave all of us hugs.

in the perfectly awkward way an eight grade boy hugs his teachers.

and then it was over.

we walked away.

i drove home.

to a home.

to a family.

knowing that my student, the one who wants to be a professional wrestler, the one who loves to ask questions at the strangest of times, the one with the sweet smile and the most caring of hearts, was feeling more alone than he ever has in his life.

and i was angry.

i am angry.

i don't understand. 

i feel helpless and heartbroken and full of questions.

i wanted to save and rescue, but i know i can't.

i guess in that church i was reminded again what it means to be a teacher.

to care and love and feel so deeply for kids.

and pray for redemption in the midst of despair.

 

so very proud. #servedenver

about a month ago, i had an idea.

i proposed to my class of advisory students that we take a trip to the denver rescue mission to serve a meal, clean, volunteer, etc.

imagine my surprise when they actually wanted to go! 

i told them it may have to be outside of school time, and they still wanted to do it.

{people clearly underestimate "kids these days," but that's a whole other blog post.}

now it took a fair amount of work to coordinate, get approval, and wrangle permission slips out of their hands, but this morning we loaded onto that bus and arrived downtown in one piece and ready to go.

words fail to accurately describe how proud i felt of those kids as they served their hearts out today.

they grabbed aprons and got to work immediately.

some chopping potatoes and cucumbers for over an hour, saying "this is so fun!" 

others cleaning mattresses, one after another after another.

i admit i got a little teary as i watched them pass out lunch to the men and women who came to the shelter.

they smiled, they gave eye contact, they worked with joy.

so many of them told me how much fun they were having, and thanked me more than once for bringing them there, and asked if we could come back again.

i feel so blessed that today happened... 

that a group of 24 kids had the opportunity to serve their community.

that they met people with hard stories who are being redeemed. 

that they now have a place they want to go back to.

that they are no longer afraid.

i feel blessed to be their teacher, and i hope and pray this day has impacted them as much as it has impacted me. 

each wednesday in december, jenny, sarah, and i will be joining with the denver rescue mission and posting around this topic of service (#servedenver). no matter where you live, feel free to join us.

 

just call me fb.

dear 8th grade girls looking at my butt,

1. it's awkward that you're spending your time looking at my butt. can you just learn about adjectives or character development or paragraph structure or something? 

2. you're preaching to the choir ladies. jean shopping is a real nightmare.

3. is this better than the alternative?

4. i really appreciate your correct spelling and use of the possessive apostrophe. 

it is my butt, and i do own it.

 5. now stop passing notes and pay attention already! 

love, your favorite teacher (i mean, obviously).

side note: yes, this is my real life. when do i get my own reality show again?

today i...

{via}

-woke up this morning after a traumatic nightmare that i needed a heart transplant. and the heart looked shockingly similar to a chicken breast. you better believe i was asking for a second opinion.

-took my morning class to hear a bona fide sci-fi author present in the library. his first book was inspired by a 6th grade writing assignment. bravo to that english teacher.
{bonus tidbit- said author also owns a tae kwon do studio. awesome.}

-listened to a student respond to the writing prompt "i will never..." with "i will never become a teacher." he basically said that teachers are awesome and kids kinda suck. i tried to say the rewards outweigh the challenges, but i don't think i was very convincing. 

-survived a surprise fire drill.

-caught a spit wad thrower red handed! victory is mine.

-sat back and listened to my morning class have great conversations about their literature circle books.
hey kid, maybe being a teacher isn't so bad! 

-caught three kids in the middle of a lie and got their parents on the phone asap! victory is mine part II.

-watched my afternoon class avoid reading their literature circle books at all costs, and it was painful.
"hi, my name is hannah, and i'm a professional babysitter."

kid, you were right after all! don't be a teacher! 

-spent the afternoon with some great teachers who make me laugh. laughter is key.

-put on my sweatpants approximately 4.2 seconds after getting home.

-caught up with my favorite college girlie, chels. check out her blog for some bomb recipes. 

-read the bible to sir winston while sitting with him on the bathroom floor. i take my mothering responsibilities very seriously.

-made this for dinner, using the broiler, and i didn't even set anything on fire! insert leo d.'s "i'm the king of the world" here. {remember that time my sister set my apple crisp on fire using the broiler? good times.}

-watched the voice. i mean, duh.

-whipped up some chocolate chip cookies for mr. lesley. am i a domestic goddess or what? 

-decided to blog about my uber exciting day while watching the red wings dominate. domestic and interested in sports? i'm pretty much the whole package. 

fingers are crossed that tomorrow will be equally as mind blowing.

night all.

{thanks for the inspiration flower patch farm girl.}

   

my luck just keeps getting better.

during the middle of my afternoon class, i put my leg up on the bar of a desk and...

it happened. 

i started to feel the breeze where you shouldn't feel the breeze, and i knew. 

any false moves and my students could see a part of me they should NEVER see.

yep, i got a big 'ole rip up the back up of my khakis. 

i called for reinforcement and got this beauty from the office and walked back into my class like a boss.

{it wouldn't be a middle school if they didn't have oversized jean shirts-conveniently large enough to cover my booty- hanging around.}

and my students were none the wiser.

all in a days work in the land of middle school.

is it friday yet? 

{oh, and obviously i made my student assistant take this picture.}

twinsies!

at 6:45 a.m. yesterday morning, i walked into the teacher's lounge....

and there was new friend kim wearing the exact. same. dress. as me.

{no, don't get it twisted. there was no pre-planning involved.}

yes, you heard right...

target fashion circa 2009 was making a comeback, and we were twinsies.

don't let the picture fool you, even though the shade of pink looks different, it's exactly. the. same.

now, it's impossible to have a case of the mondays when you know down the hall and up the stairs you're rocking matching clothes like you did in middle school.

{although this time didn't include an hour long conversation about what we should wear to school the night before.}

perfection at its finest people.

happy tuesday.

hot cheetos and takis...wow.

in honor of completing one week of teaching, i present to you this work of cinematic genius.

here's to educating a generation of kiddos with red stained fingers.

and you thought there wasn't any hope for the future of our country.

back to the grind.

another school year is officially underway.

and with zac by my side (and on my wall) there's nothing we can't face.

{don't even tell me he doesn't inspire you to read more. i know, teacher of the year right here folks!}

i'm at a new school this year, and though my heart is missing my old coworkers and students desperately, my soul knows i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.

{my true moment of realization came today when my principal told the new teachers the two rules everyone needed to follow...1. love our kids.  2. love our staff. yep, pretty sure i can get behind that.}

and there is no greater feeling quite like a satisfied soul.

best of all, i now get to teach with new friend kim.

yes, we are coworkers! 

which pretty much means she introduces me to everyone and makes sure i don't embarrass myself to much.

and, in return, i have decided to find her a boyfriend.

yep, that's right.

i am on the hunt for single, catholic, hotties who love jesus and have good jobs.

so if you know of someone in denver who fits that description, send them my way.

with a resume.

and a pay stub.

and a recommendation from their priest.

but don't you worry.

even though i have taken on this part time matchmaking job, there are still middle schoolers who need me to change their lives, so my job as mrs. lesley must go on.

{i'm mrs. lesley now...whoot, whoot!}

so if you're looking for me this week you can find me making awkward comments during staff meetings, adorning my wall with zac efron inspiration, practicing my most intense teacher face, laminating everything within a 50 mile radius, and getting ready for the 8th grade crazies who will occupy my classroom and my heart for the next 9 months. 

it's going to be a good year.

my life will never be the same again...

for two reasons...

1. there is an instagram app for android! 

(and all the nerds who still don't have iphones rejoice!) 

my name is hannahlynnlesley (i couldn't resist using my new last name) and you should probably follow me.

2. one of my 8th grade boys (still not sure who) left this little work of art for me on my whiteboard. 

what a day.

on a less ridiculous note: i still have $50 left to raise for the race without borders.

get educated here and then help a sister out! 

"this is the best day ever."

today started off a little rough.
i left my lunch at home AND there was no coffee (my coworker who always makes it is out).

insert: EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN here.

ok, i kid. i kid.

but i was definitely thrown off.

without good food and coffee how would i make it through the day?
i really thrive off my snacks after all.

but then one of my students gave me this little note of encouragement.
and i knew i could make it through the day.

so, if you're feeling a little off, just remember...
"you're smart, brave, lucky...
you gotta be reading...
and this is the best day ever!"

my new words to words to live by.

a moment of clarity.

(via)

today as my students were taking a quiz...

and i was driven to the point of insanity because of the constant tapping of pencils...

i had a moment of clarity.

i finally understood why my middle school math teacher threw a box of kleanex at my friend who wouldn't stop sniffling.

and why that same teacher threw our papers on the floor and made us pick them up in a fit of rage. 

when i was in middle school, i thought she was looney tunes.

now i totally get it.

all middle school (well, any grade level for that matter) teachers have the capacity to go nuts. 

some of us can hold it together, and others of us, like my poor math teacher, just can't anymore.

and although i was able to keep my cool today,
 i had a whole lot of grace for her.

the poof.

it's an exciting day when your hair poof plays a significant role in your stick figure portrait.

when i asked my student about it, he said my hair was very cool, like a mohawk. 

score.

oh studentz...

thanks for the laugh.

maybe one day you'll realize that these "haterz" sacrifice a lot of things, most importantly their sanity, to teach you during the most awkward point in your lives.

even if you never get it, we know. 

and yes, we forgive you...

for calling us "haterz," but mostly for overusing the "z".

snow day.

yesterday, it snowed.

a lot.

so much so that...

-your dog pees the second he walks out the door

-your car is unrecognizable

-your uniform for the day includes sweatpants, a sweatshirt, stocking cap, moon boots, and a parka

-and every school in the city closes it's doors.

(unless, you're like me and you already had the day off, but whatever.) 

even though i was a bit of a grouch after talking with the caterer that morning, 

(sidenote: how does anyone afford to have a nice wedding these days?)

meeting up with some friends at sugar bake shop in our neighborhood gave me reason to smile again.

they even had typewriters set up where you could write little love notes.

of course, i had to write a little something for mr. lesley.

we sat around enjoying our coffee, little baked treats, and each other's company.

then it was time to hit the road again...

our afternoon consisted of...

-cleaning out princess louise's habitat

-a couple episodes of how i met your mother

-a delicious little egg scramble courtesy of mr. lesley's roomie benjamin

-a good old fashioned nap

-running through the snow with sir winston

-and spending time with one of our favorite couples, kjaer and monica.

(kjaer and mr. lesley played video games while monica and i talked blogs, weddings, cooking, etc.

she recently started a blog. it's fabulous. and you should check it out).

we ended the day with a spaghetti squash recipe i found on pinterest.

 and it was delicious.

i think i will spend the next two days begging and pleading God for the snow to continue until spring break.

a girl can dream, right? 

is it hot in here? or is it just ryan gossling talkin' dirty?

http://heygirlteacher.tumblr.com is definitely my new favorite website. 

in other exciting news...it's almost the weekend! 

hooray! 

"Time to go to teach the class."

one of my students wrote this for a dialogue assignment in another class.

i love how my students interpret our daily conversations.

one day, they will understand that reading is more important than going to the bathroom.

until then, it is my job to constantly remind them.

keep calm, teach on, and be nice.

thanks alejandro for the little pick me up. 

when 6th graders want to be, they can be pretty dang adorable.

happy wednesday.

bump, set, spike (with a side of celebrity jeopardy)

it's official. i know everything there is to know about concussions. 

now, i can officially start the volleyball season with a good conscious. 

assistant coaching volleyball for year 2 is feeling really good so far. 

the main reason is because i get to say "get on the line" in practice and make them run.

it makes all those years of puking after basketball practice in middle school kinda worth it.

oh, and it's fun to see my students in a new light.
they are pretty amazing.
and hilarious.

although, today's game of jeapody in class felt strangely similar to this...

happy wednesday.

i'll take it.

sometimes teaching middle school feels like this...

but when you're lucky, one of the students/cats writes you a thank you note like this...

now it doesn't really matter to me that writing this note was an assignment from another class. 

i don't care at all.

and yes, it will go in my "this is why i teach" folder.

and i will smile because now one of my students can say he "writes so awesome." 

and that makes me feel pretty good.