expectations.

i'm not exactly sure what i thought being engaged would be like. 

i mean, i have never been engaged before. 

but i have to admit, i've been a little surprised.

suprised at how hard it is.
although i'm not sure what expectations i did have coming into all of this, i think i subconsciously thought it would be a piece of cake...a walk in the park...as easy as falling off a log...well, you get the idea.

but it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies.
my expectations and reality have not exactly seen eye to eye.
and i've struggled.

please don't misunderstand.

i love mr. lesley and couldn't be more thrilled about starting our life together.
but i think it's important to admit the challenges, in hopes that someone out there might feel a small piece of comfort and know they're not alone.

i find myself looking at wedding blogs and daydreaming.
just hoping that my special day can look just as the images i see.
perfect couple.
perfect venue.
perfect everything.

and i have all these expectations of how the wedding day should be.
and how i want everything to be perfect too.
so we can be impressive.
and everyone can say how great it was.
and no one will complain about the food, or the venue, or the attire, or the location (people can be quite nitpicky about weddings after all).

but with all those expectations of the wedding, i forget that it's just one day of our lives.
and the focus should be the marriage, and not just the wedding.
and it doesn't matter if everything isn't perfect because chances are it won't be.
and that's ok.
it's a day to celebrate.
not a day to impress after all.

so even if i don't get the wooden chairs i want and even if our favorite caterer doesn't fit into the budget and even if i didn't pick the perfect colors, it will be ok.

so i think what the issue is is not to make my expectations lower but to make them realistic.
to stop putting so much pressure on myself to create something magical but to enjoy the process and be gracious toward everything in my life that i so desperately want to make perfect.

and to embrace the struggle. and remember that just because something is hard doesn't make it bad or wrong.
and recognize all the good and beautiful things this process has brought.

like...
-the amazing people who have supported us and have already done above and beyond to do whatever we need to make our wedding a true celebration
-the opportunity to talk and disagree and agree and be scared and be excited with mr. lesley. it is a wonderful thing to marry your best friend
-the privilege it is to plan a wedding as my sister is planning hers and share in the joys and struggles together

so, i guess the point of all of this is that no matter where you're at in life (planning a wedding, having a baby, struggling at your job) know that life doesn't always fit into our cookie cutter expectations.
and that's ok.
because that's life.

and when i am honest with myself, i wouldn't want it any other way.