11.19.2012

patience.

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there are truths we know in the depth of our souls, but seem to forget from time to time.

life has a way of mixing things up, bringing things to the surface, and exposing our own deep life questions and before we know it, we feel completely lost...
disconnected from that truth and working our way back into the depths of ourselves to find it.

i say all that to say...
i think i'm in the middle of my twenty something crisis.
{that's a thing, right?}
and searching to get back to the core of who i am.

for as long as i can remember, i've always wanted to be a teacher.
i felt like i was good at it.
that it was a core part of my dna.
that i was created and put on this earth to be a teacher.

so that's exactly what i did.

but for the last little while i've begun to feel unsure.

and as much as i want to feel like my future and my career path is set in stone, the more i think about it, the more i'm thinking that stone feels more like squishy mud under my feet after a good rain.
and i'm not sure what to do about it.

although it's hard to admit, i think a lot of my self worth comes from my job. 
it's the place i spend the majority of my time after all. 
so as i've started to feel unsure about what my future holds in my career, i've started to question myself. 

if i'm not a teacher, who am i? 
if i buckle under the pressure and realize it might be time to move on, does that make me a quitter? 
is this a passing phase, or something i need to pay close attention to? 

and the question of the hour...
how much of who i am is tied to what i do?
to how much money i make? 
to how far i can make it up the ladder? 

or is my job just a small part of what makes me...me? 
what gives me value? 
what makes my life worth something?

i know the answer in my head, but i'm having a hard time getting my heart to follow suit.

and really, i'm not used to or comfortable with not having a definitive answer to all the uncertainty.

i function much better in black and white than rummaging through all the complicated gray.

but i guess in the process, in the sorting, in the deconstructing, and in the wondering...

i'm experiencing life.
and forming deep connections to all of the rest of humanity who don't know the answers.
who don't know the next step.
who are forced to live in the present, and wrestle with the questions,

and just...simply...trust.

4 comments:

  1. WOW! If feel as if you just wrote every thought that has been on my mind lately! I probably will not be much encouragement to you since we are in similar seasons of life, but I did just write a post about similar struggles that I am trying to process through. Maybe it will help you with some of your questions about life. Anywho, thanks for posting !!!

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  2. Naming this process is half the battle. May you know what to trust and feel assured that you are meant for great things--whatever that might be. Not being a teacher doesn't mean you are a failure. There are lots of places where your gifts shine. Keep struggling,(in a good way...I don't want you to suffer!) keep asking questions and keep in mind how loved you are no matter what. :)
    xoxo

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  3. love your honesty in sorting through these thoughts and questions. your worth is not in anything you do. you know that, but it can stand some overstating and repeating :). i think it's a gift to feel restless and to question what we're doing and who we are because it leads us to what really matters and forces us to wrestle with our own complacency. i always come back to the mother teresa quote you had up in China, "i do not pray for success, i ask for faithfulness." not faithfulness as in sticking out whatever I'm wrestling with but faithfulness in a broader sense...in daily life. faithful in the questions. faithful not to follow the easy answers, but faithful in each step, without getting caught up in "success" :) i need that reminder daily, especially as a mom :) love you, friend!

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