on blogging.

{via}

i've been trying to wrap my mind around this little thing called "blogging" for the last few weeks now.

i find myself constantly wondering why for the last four years or so, i've felt the need to record my thoughts, life happens, and random observations on this little space and then post them for the world to see.

something that once felt very small and silly, a means to record my day to day life so i wouldn't forget, has now morphed into something that feels very closely tied to who i am.
and sometimes that feels right and good and exciting.
while at other times it feels like a relentless cry of "look at me!" and "validate me!" and "make me feel good about myself!"

the latter is what's getting me lately.

it all lies in my motivation, and as much as i wish all my motives were simple and pure, it is so ridiculously easy to be caught in the rat race of recognition.
and it is such a tiring race.

so now that a new year is upon us, i have to get down to the nitty gritty of it all and examine my own heart and determine what place this blogging space, .heart to heart., will have in my life in the years to come.

is it truly a place to just record the everyday moments?
is it a place to focus on all that is good and right in my world?

or 

am i coming to a place where it needs to be more than just the good stuff?
do i need to be more reflective and honest and deep, even when it's uncomfortable and may not make everyone happy?

 and who am i even writing for anyway?
myself?
my readers?
my friends?
my family?
the future family i hope to have that may someday, if i'm lucky, care enough to read my words?

and where does God and my faith fit into everything?
if all i do should be for Him, can i honestly say that some of my motives do just that?

unfortunately, i don't have all the answers to these questions.
but there are a couple of things i do know for sure...

-i love to write. i don't use capital letters and sometimes my observations are brief and sometimes i overuse ellipses, but i do know that something inside of me feels alive when i sit at my computer and just say it. whatever it is.

-i want to be more honest. i want to push myself into realms that are uncomfortable and scary. i don't want to be ashamed of the good or the bad that fill my days.

-i have to get over the beast that comes in the form of accolades and "likes" and comments and the beast that comes in the lack of accolades and "likes" and comments.
basically, i need God to help me get over myself and to remind me every single moment of every single  day belongs to Him anyway.

so i guess i say all that to say, i'm going to be a lot more intentional about what i write on this space,

honoring God through the good, the bad, and the ugly and trying to let myself go in the process.

wish me luck.