goodbye apartment #10.

{via}

it's amazing how your heart can feel so connected to a place. 

a location. an address. a spot on the map.

bricks and plaster and wood.

i'm sitting here crying because we are moving out of our basement apartment this week.

it's in a basement for goodness sake, a basement.

so why am i having such a hard time saying goodbye?

for the past two years, i've called this humble apartment my home and then our home. 

we've battled the sweltering heat in the summer, with floor fans and a strict no comforter rule.

when the seasons change and the heat comes through the pipes, we've grabbed tupperware and tried our best to dodge the drips.

we've watched sir winston try his best to play and prance on the hardwood floors, sliding like crazy and running for safety to the carpet as we throw his toys around the room.

our neighbor and the building super sam has become a part of our family.

he leaves us vegetables from his garden in front of our door.

we answer his computer questions.

no matter where he is in the building, we can always hear him talking.

he lets us use his cable and internet, and we pay him in bottles of wine.

he takes care of us.

and we love him.

we've made our life together here in this basement.

in 600 square feet.

we have learned how to live together.

how to fight.

how to cook in the smallest of kitchens.

how to serve each other.

how to throw spontaneous dance parties. 

how to pray together before bed and read the Bible in the stillness.

how to give the silent treatment.

how to apologize and move on.

how to be married.

how to love.

and because of that, i am sad to leave this space behind.
my heart feels connected to the hardwood floors and the tiny kitchen and the light through the blinds and our neighbors and the life we've created.

there is nothing impressive about this space, but it was ours.

just like the new place will be ours.
a place where new memories will flourish and life will take place between those walls.
of bricks and plaster and wood.

so thank you apartment #10 for helping us grow up a little.
for teaching us about life.
for being the first space for our family.
you will always have a very special place in my heart.

{p.s. we are just moving down the street, not across the country. call me dramatic. i fully accept it.}

currently...

attempting to // understand the middle school mind. it is a vast wasteland at times and a dramatic night club at others. it's becoming difficult to keep up. oh, and a student today told me that my head looks lopsided when i pin my hair. awesome.

excited about // the superbowl. not because i give a rats about football but because i get to hang out with my sister and eat really delicious food. watching beyonce lip synch will be the icing on the cake.

listening to // josh garrels. do yourself a favor and listen to this song immediately. they played it in church on sunday and it was glorious.

loving // diva curl products. they have seriously changed my life. in the way that only a good hair product can. {read my sauve saga here}

hating // that i have to learn the same lessons over and over again. i am thankful that mr. lesley is so patient with my freak outs and general ridiculousness.

looking forward to // a private tour at new belgium brewery this weekend. fort collins, the lesleys are coming!

reading // look again by lisa scottoline for book club this month. so far it's like a really good lifetime movie. and i mean that in the best way possible.

stumbled upon // kid president. he is all the rage and for good reason. i could definitely use a pep talk from him every day.

spending time // on the couch. with my favorite blanket. and a lime-a-rita in hand. sometimes you just gotta treat yo self!

thanks for the idea kendra!

you are not alone.

{via}

this theme starting making an appearance early in the week, when i was totally convinced that every other teacher in the world had all their shiz together, and i was obviously in last place.

yep, i deemed myself the worst teacher in the world.

oh, and of course, i was crying to mr. lesley about it.

he was absolutely positive that it was all a matter of perspective.

that everyone has their issues and sometimes we only see and project what we want to see and project.

but of course i didn't believe him.

____________________________________________________________________

the theme continued to yesterday at a teacher's meeting, where some of my fellow english teacher's shared their own struggles. 

we are trying our best.

we question if the kids are really getting it. 

we definitely don't feel like we're changing the world. 

and just like that, in a small whisper, i heard "you are not alone." 

______________________________________________________________________

and that brings us to today to a conversation with my sister where we decided that everyone, every...single...person is wading through their own set of difficulties and challenges and "life feels really hard right now" moments, days, months, or even years.

and once again i felt the power of the statement, "you are not alone." 

but we also decided that in our "instagram it" and "facebook it" world, everyone projects the best images of themselves for the world to see. 

we slap a #blessed hashtag or a little "lo-fi" or "earlybird" on it and all is happy and well in our world. 

now you have to know i love social media maybe more than most, but i think our desire to make everything look pretty and wonderful has translated in the ways we interact in the real world.

somewhere along the line we forgot that it's ok to struggle, to cry, to be vulnerable, and to share the really, really hard things that can sometimes plague us with each other.

we have forgotten it's ok to just say it.
whatever it is.

so i guess the point of all of this is to remind you,

wherever you are in life...

if you just had the very worst day possible.
if you feel completely misunderstood.
if your ego has recently taken a big sucker punch.
if you hate your job.
if you're struggling in your marriage.
if being single is making you question everything.
if you hate your family.
if you are so discouraged and don't know where to go or what to do.
if you are suffering in silence.

please, please, please know that you are not alone.

take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of others who share your same feelings.
we are fighting a great battle...
but we are doing it together.

and you are going to be ok.

patience.

there are truths we know in the depth of our souls, but seem to forget from time to time.

life has a way of mixing things up, bringing things to the surface, and exposing our own deep life questions and before we know it, we feel completely lost...

disconnected from that truth and working our way back into the depths of ourselves to find it.

i say all that to say...

i think i'm in the middle of my twenty something crisis.

{that's a thing, right?}

and searching to get back to the core of who i am.

for as long as i can remember, i've always wanted to be a teacher.

i felt like i was good at it.

that it was a core part of my dna.

that i was created and put on this earth to be a teacher.

so that's exactly what i did.

but for the last little while i've begun to feel unsure.

and as much as i want to feel like my future and my career path is set in stone, the more i think about it, the more i'm thinking that stone feels more like squishy mud under my feet after a good rain.

and i'm not sure what to do about it.

although it's hard to admit, i think a lot of my self worth comes from my job. 

it's the place i spend the majority of my time after all. 

so as i've started to feel unsure about what my future holds in my career, i've started to question myself. 

if i'm not a teacher, who am i? 

if i buckle under the pressure and realize it might be time to move on, does that make me a quitter? 

is this a passing phase, or something i need to pay close attention to? 

and the question of the hour...

how much of who i am is tied to what i do?
to how much money i make? 

to how far i can make it up the ladder? 

or is my job just a small part of what makes me...me? 

what gives me value? 

what makes my life worth something?

i know the answer in my head, but i'm having a hard time getting my heart to follow suit.

and really, i'm not used to or comfortable with not having a definitive answer to all the uncertainty.

i function much better in black and white than rummaging through all the complicated gray.

but i guess in the process, in the sorting, in the deconstructing, and in the wondering...

i'm experiencing life.
and forming deep connections to all of the rest of humanity who don't know the answers.
who don't know the next step.
who are forced to live in the present, and wrestle with the questions,

and just...simply...trust.